Once again we’re going to talk about boundaries. Most people who are overworked and overstressed are just simply doing too much. If you were raised like I was to mind your manners, be helpful, be a good boy/girl and let the others go first it can take decades to unlearn these habits. (Not to discount the value of being nice to your fellow humans and love for the world because we all need more of that). There are any number of people who will eventually want a little piece of your time as life goes on. If you have the time to give, more power to you. If you don’t and many times say you do, it’s past time to learn to say no.

Let’s say your son’s teacher once again asks you to chair the annual holiday can drive. You have done it for the last two years and know that even if you have a committee you will be doing all the work. You just don’t have the time to do it this year, but don’t know how to get out of it. Just say no!!! I would love to help, but I can’t chair the committee this year as I have other commitments, Period. End of discussion. Don’t launch into a long dialogue of the reasons you can’t or start to give excuses. This is volunteer work and no you don’t have to do it. If the teacher pressures you or other parents with but you have always done the can drive or the ever popular but you are so good at it, we can’t do it without you just keep repeating your mantra I’m not available this year, I’m not available this year, as many times as it takes to get your message across. Be firm and don’t waffle. You will be so proud of yourself later when some other parent is doing the last minute run around for the can drive and you are at home sipping hot cocoa and enjoying making cookies with your kids. This is in no way being selfish it is a way to start putting your own needs as priorities in your life. This same scenario can be used for the church fundraiser, fall carnival, the committee to better the neighborhood, the sister-in-law who wants you to watch the kids (again), and so on.

An extra note – where you decide to spend your money is another boundary you can work on using the same principles. At least once per month I am bombarded by parents selling trivets, cookie dough, trinkets, or other overpriced things you don’t need for their child’s fund raiser. If you are one of these folks that bring flyers to work and sell for your kids, yes you probably should buy from the others; it’s only fair. I don’t take these to my workplace and don’t hit up friends to buy from my son. (If he wants to sell, I go with him thru the neighborhood and let him sell). In any case, it’s ok to just say No, thank you. Or you can say No thanks, we have our own charities that we donate to. You should probably practice saying no, thank you as you will be using it more and more in the future.

Last year during the holidays I opted out of the many gift swaps by saying “We are simplifying and only exchanging gifts with immediate family this year. Worked great and I was not so stressed about money last year. Remember, all of these are suggestions for decreasing your stress. Take what works for you and leave the rest behind (or just say no???).

Now, what about setting those boundaries at work? It’s pretty easy to ignore the call coming in to your phone from your boss at home, (oops, I must have forgotten to take my cell phone with me to the store) It gets a bit more difficult when the boss is standing in your face! Granted, there are times when you just get stuck at work and have to chip in to help. However, if these times are more often than not and if you seem to be getting the lion’s share of this type of intrusion, it’s time to start to change things.

Have you ever noticed that there are always one or two gung-ho/go-to people on a team and the rest are I can’t handle that/I’m too busy people? I’m guessing if you are reading this you come from the first group. MANY TIMES I have been the git-r-done person on the team and instead of getting thanks all I would end up with was more stuff to do! This leads to resentment and anger towards yourself, your boss, and others on the team (who say they are too busy working, but are generally hanging out gossiping in someone else’s cubicle while you are working furiously trying to get all that stuff done).

Now is the time to start examining your role at work. (Remember – we teach others how to treat us through our own actions.) Of course, no change happens overnight, but there are ways to start making the workload a bit more equitable. If you are uncomfortable with saying no or telling the truth when you are too busy, here are a few tips to get you started. I will be discussing ways to say no and boundary setting in more detail in a later article.

First and foremost, stop volunteering!!! The next time a staff meeting rolls around and the boss asks for a volunteer (and everyone turns around expecting you to jump in as usual) keep quiet and let someone else take a turn. Don’t bite off more than you can chew. When the boss comes by and asks you to do that one more thing, have a to-do list of things you already have on your plate and ask “What would you like me to eliminate from this list to do the new task? I am already at capacity. People may be surprised and even act peeved at you for not chipping in as usual. That’s ok they will get used to it in time. Another situation is when you constantly have to stay late to do that emergency project. Now everyone has these once in a while that’s just the way business works. It’s when the once in awhile turns in to three days per week and you are the only one getting these projects (aren’t you special?) that action needs to be taken. When the boss comes by at 3:30 for the fifth day in a row with an emergency project say Gosh, I’d love to help, but I have a commitment for this afternoon and must leave on time today. If that’s not a strong enough reason for you, have a dentist appointment, parent teacher meeting, dinner meeting, club function, SOMETIHING that you just cannot miss!! With time other folks will begin to get their share of these special projects, leaving you on the way home on time hopefully more days than not. And remember once you hit the door remember to use that caller ID and voice mail!